Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
