come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
