he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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