my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
