If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
