I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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