Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
