Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
