I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
