I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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