my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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