using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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