I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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