I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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