He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
