3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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