If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
