There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
she told me i tasted like america
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
There's always time for handjobs
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
