capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
