Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
