I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Randomize
