It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
