the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
