I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
