I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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