Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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