he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Alive.
So much puke
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
