Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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