I cannot find my penis.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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