Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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