I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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