The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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