that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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