I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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