He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
