I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
