Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
