I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
