Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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