How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
It's Friday. Sex?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
