So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Randomize
