Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
