I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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