I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Randomize
