So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
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