how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
