cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
