Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
