i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
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tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
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It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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