I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
So gin and wine won't be happening again
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
