did you get engaged???
Will you blow on my dice?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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