Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize