He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
