just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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