watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize