Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Dicks are not precious.
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